Shame is an excellent motivator. 

Is it healthy? No. However, it can drive change within our lives for a good amount of time if it needs to. 

Early on my healing journey, shame and fear were the driving the change I wanted to make in my life. I am not afraid to admit how much I hated myself, I believed I was toxic and wanted to get as far away from myself as I could. I was unaware of it at the time but looking back now I can see that my goal for healing was to escape myself. So, I started to look at my habits and heal what I could with the tools I had at the time. It started out small and started with things like going for regular walks or starting to meditate (which was incredibly difficult) or eating better portion sizes for my main meals. It started with things that were tangible, things that you could see from the outside. I would shame myself, talk badly to myself, and criticize myself harshly in order to implement these new habits. It didn't feel nice, but it worked. That is how my parents raised me.

It served me for a while, but you get to the point where that doesn't work anymore. You can't force yourself to do things and judge your efforts forever. It becomes tiring and starts to cause more pain. It gets to the point where you must be accountable for your actions, take responsibility for your health (mental health in my case) and align yourself to a better future for yourself. In order to shift that, you must increase your capacity for self-love and compassion. I know it sounds so simple but what I have found to be the most powerful motivator for growth, is love. It is far more potent because it is vibrating at a higher frequency. Literally tapping you into another dimension of existing. Let's vibrate with the frequency of love.

Do I get a bit too woo woo for you there? I just can't help myself.

Since I decided to turn my healing journey inwards, I have been able to thaw out my broken heart and find more love than I thought was possible. What I have come to realize is that the real goal of my healing journey is to find acceptance and peace. To learn to accept myself, of course, but to also learn to accept my circumstances, and the experiences that have led me here. The good, the bad, and everything in between. To find so much love and gratitude for the journey I have been on, that I could feel nothing less than inner peace.

It means forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made, for the choices that burned my life to the ground, being a bad friend and forgiving others for the hurt, the betrayals, the abandonment they caused as well. To stand in my power enough to hold firm boundaries but also soft enough to allow myself to receive loving kindness. To release grudges, gossip and unnecessary guards against others. They are all blocks to love and gratitude.

Trust me, nothing good comes from grudges and gossiping. They breed a false sense of belonging and connection over talking badly about others. Now that is the most toxic thing, those unnecessary mean comments actually create a negative energy inside of you, not the person you are talking about or hating on. Gossiping about someone else creates disharmony in your body. Think about that for a moment. If you were truly honest with yourself, do you feel amazingly good when you talk badly about someone else? Or is it a bad kind of good?

I believe we are all deserving of love. It is our divine right. No matter who we are, what we have done, or how we choose to live. It doesn't mean I have to be the one to give it to everyone, they have to be able to give it to themselves, but they are still deserving of it. Everyone deserves to feel seen, to feel heard, and to feel loved. Everyone deserves compassion and to live a blessed life. We deserve it for ourselves so why doesn't everyone?

It's ok if you hate yourself right now. It's ok if you have never experienced inner peace before. It's ok to not be ok. Healing is sometimes messy and sometimes ugly. Sometimes it requires you to use methods that may not be in alignment to you to create the change you want to see. It's ok if you start small and slowly work your way forward. It's ok if you go backwards too. You are still enough. You are still worthy.

Even if you can't see it right now, you are on exactly the right path for you. Life is about the journey, yes but if you eventually arrive at the destination, does it matter how you got there?

Love, Courtney.